Funny Because It's True

Typically, I am the first to wave the red flag when I see women disguising their all-too-natural gift for manipulation as intellect or altruism, but in the case of this very cute and very true article about the not-so-glamorous, day-to-day of married life, I have to delight in the writer's playful twist on the less viscious form of maniplation I'll henceforth admiringly refer to as "cleverness."

In "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage," writer Amy Sullivan gives both spouses a chance to laugh at themselves as she explains her discovery that husbands (and humans in general) are not at all unlike the circus animals she found herself researching for a book project, and can be easily trained by heeding just a few simple principles. As she says, "The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband. "

And as she wisely concludes as she pokes fun at herself at the end of the article, so can the American wife.

Clearly this isn't gospel truth, but it is a nice reminder to not take our own or our spouse's weaknesses so seriously. Hopefully it will give you at least a hint of a smile too....

Need to get your Blood pumping?

Read this review of, "Getting Serious about Getting Married", a not-so-sensitive self-help book for single women outlining all the "how-to's" of landing a spouse. You just have to put your mind to it. Take charge of your own destiny. Set priorities. Focus.

Is anyone else already annoyed?

On the upside, I do agree with reviewer Camerin Courtney who seems to give this book it's due criticism for oversimplifying the ever-complex world of guy-girl friendships and dating relationships. And, for pointing out some faulty biblical premises, "Her case for marriage as God's will for all believers rests largely on the story of Adam and Eve. Maken argues that since God said it wasn't good for Adam to be alone and then solved that problem not with a brother or friend or neighbor but with a spouse, that must mean every other person throughout the course of history is God-designed to be married. " Hardly!

While I agree the general principles of personal responsibility and moral agency hold in the realm of dating, I am also sympathetic about the reality that many excellent women remain single for inexplicable purposes. Sure, being a little pro-active never hurt anyone but when it comes to romance, sheer will can only get you so far. Marriage is not merely a solution to loneliness (Lord knows there are plenty of lonely married people) nor is it an end that justifies any means, and it is certainly not to be pursued as an "accomplishment."

Marriage is a sacrament, a covenant, a gift. Certainly we have responsibility to engage that gift as it is bestowed to us, and to do the hard and necessary work to keep our hearts open to that possibility, but it is not up to us to be masters of our own destinies. If that's the premise we start from, these do-it-yourself marriages are unlikely to last long in any case. Good marriages take nothing less than grace, a free gift we cannot earn, but only gratefully receive. Shouldn't that be the same posture we take initially as well?

More Than Just a Broken Arrow

If having sex in college is so "normal", why are its affects seemingly so abnormal? Here is one FASCINATING piece from the Washington Post a few weeks ago titled, "Cupid's Broken Arrow" about rising rates of male impotenece among college-aged men.

Fascinating in part because it seems so unlikely but also because it seems to make sense. As the article says, It seems that for a sizable number of young men, the fact that they can get sex whenever they want may have created a situation where, in fact, they're unable to have sex. According to surveys, young women are now as likely as young men to have sex and by countless reports are also as likely to initiate sex, taking away from males the age-old, erotic power of the chase.

And while the power of the chase is certainly part of the problem, other factors may contribute as well. As the article goes on to say, "Combine performance anxiety with binge drinking and the abuse of drugs on campus and it's no wonder that problems are showing up at college clinics in numbers that give the lie to the adage that impotence is reserved for the old (Bob Dole) or crazy (Jack Nicholson in "Carnal Knowledge"). The younger models who now appear in commercials for Viagra and its pharmaceutical clones reveal that the drug makers know (hope?) what the rest of us don't: Some members of the Game Boy generation are losing their game."

What seems most interesting to me is that besides the brief mention of sexually aggressive behavior in the first graph (quoted above), the abnormal frequency and emotional disconnection that often accompany casual sex are not explored extensively as significant factors in this phenomenon. Instead, relatively mundane factors like stress, anxiety and diet are cited as significant sources. Forgive me if I don't believe that eating Taco Bell and taking AP curses in high school is more at fault for early impotence than, say, masturbation or promiscuity. If anything I would think that guilt or emotional disengagement or overstimulation or simple boredom are far more likely culprits.

Seems to me we shouldn't be surprised that the unbridled sexual license we have not only permitted, but encouraged, on college campuses has resulted in an irony this pointed. After all, the chickens always come home to roost.

The Sanctity of Holy Matrimony - and Porn for the Whole Family

Will wedding nonsense ever cease? As if it's not silly enough that the average wedding costs $40,000, or that you can order/certify any old officiant online, or that most brides spend more than a year of their lives planning for a 4-hour event that often has little more communal significance than the number of gifts a couple receives.....

We now learn that even with all the necessary acoutrements of a $50K+ Martha Stewart wedding you haven't FULLY captured the perfect day unless your photographer gets a shot or two of the bride in her skivvies. That's right, according to the Wall Street Journal today, Brides Gone Wild: A booming nuptials business is catering to brides who want to document what they looked like getting dressed for the altar. Jon Weinbach on sultry wedding photos -- and the mother-in-law's reaction.

According to the article, "The multibillion-dollar wedding industry is offering a revealing new twist on the old bridal portrait. Catering to older and more independent brides -- and reflecting popular culture's turn toward the risqué and voyeuristic -- more photographers are setting up in dressing rooms to immortalize unguarded, preceremony moments. Wedding albums and public photographer Web sites alike are filling up with a different view of the bride -- daddy's little girl cavorting in lingerie, adjusting a bra or hiking her gown for a bathroom break."

Forbid the thought that a bride might not fully recollect what panties (or thigh-highs or boy pants or bustier) she was wearing on her wedding day when she flips through that album 25 years from now! Much better that her children and parents and in-laws should think her a total whore than risk the loss of that precious (and explicit) memory....

Or this, many independent-minded brides are poking fun at so many white bouquets and demure poses. "Being like a virgin is very different than being a virgin," says Julie Albright, a marriage therapist and sociology professor at the University of Southern California. For the many brides who have been living with their fiancés for years before taking the leap, mugging for risqué shots can be a way of playing up the irony of donning a traditional dress. "The white gown and veil is a kind of performance or drag -- like Madonna in her video for 'Like a Virgin.

I have to wonder if voyeurism and dressing in "drag" is REALLY part of the fairytale little girls dream about when they think of their wedding day. Seems unlikely. Most women I know, at least, strongly prefer that their fiancee's marry them for, oh, say, their mind or character and NOT primarily for their body, which will inevitably change as time and the womb and gravity all conspire against it. But maybe that's just my un-independent mind talking.

If only I had rememberd to get that bathroom break shot as part of my own album.... Darn.

A Darn Good Reason For My Absence

Thanks to all of you faithful readers who are still checking this blog after many months away.

After one very nauseous and shamefully unproductive first trimester (READ: I'M PREGNANT!) I am back and armed with a bevy of bloggable stuff. First, a very small, and very alien-like picture of the much-anticipated Baby Harris, gender TBD. This pic was at 8 weeks, baby is now about twice the size and 15 weeks old. Has arms and legs now as well as a few dozen vital organs as I understand it.

Hurrah for babies!